Hey Guess what you were right, there is no such thing as being ultraistic (pls 2 excuse meh spelling)
It turns out i am the only person that i know that actually puts others first, and i do not know how you would feel to learn, that, i break my heart every day for my friends, people i know, and people, like you that were once important to me... and today i discovered that, you are right. My hope is meaningless bc in the end i receive pain for my efforts.
Someone hurt me intensely in the past few days. i told my friends about it, thinking that they understood. i felt i could not go to a party cause a mutual friend had hurt me and invited someone i could not feel comfortable with to a Christmas party. ( to clarify, this person has not emotionally involved themselves in any way with my friend the host of the party, i however am, very much so)
Anyways, so i took a barrage of attitude from my friend the host of the party *again i feel i must apologize cause i am pretty sure my grammar and syntax sucks) i turned to my best friend, with a run down, equating it to a very similar situation with a person we are both familiar with. She came back in my defense. Telling me i should not be bothered. Several of my friends indicated that they supported me, that i had been mistreated, including my best friend.
My best friends, (a couple) went to this party anyways. even tho i could not. missives indicated that they supported me, by not going, but yet, they decided to attend. If not for another very close friend, i would have spent the evening sitting w the cats, dog and bunsies.
i currently feel like a fucking idiot. i break my heart against the wall for these ppl everyday, and yet, i sit wondering how they can twitter from the house of this girl, whom i loved, who invited someone ' they did not care for' to a party knowing i would be uncomfortable being near/
You are right in the end my Cephalopuss and it was a very hard to learn. i kill myself with love for others and in the end, i am broken and bruised, having given everything i could, and it meant nothing~ as you had warned me, they cannot give back a fraction of what i have given? How am i supposed to live, knowing this? You know this and yet you can survive and even enjoy your life (present circumstances excluded) how can you do this? What am i missing cause i feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces~ my monsters are the ONLY thing that are keeping me here, how can you bear it? How can u face each day and continue? i ask you only because of the way you feel about bananachip. i am feel weak in asking you, especially because i was not so honest with you as i could have been, if you want to know the full shit, i will meet with you and disclose all, i promise you~ i am messed up, you knew this, and i used that as an excuse to walk away. My fault, lack of honesty, did not give u a chance to address anything, i ran, i admit it. and i apologize to you, for what it is worth ...
You tried to tell me. You fully warned me, but i had so much faith, so much love for everyone, (including you) that i would not listen. if i listened to you, then well, why was i fighting my depression? why am trying so hard to prove you wrong?
You know that you are right? In the end, if they have what they need, ultimately they do not need me do they? And i am worth nothing if i am not needed. So, where does that leave me?
I think about the bible alot, i think about Christ alot. Trying to figure out why i need to be here. Monsters aside, why? i mean, most of the time i think God hates me, the rest of the time i do not care cause i am manic and reality is abstract anyways.
so this is an absolutely open post anyone can comment. Peter i am asking you,only because i know you will be honest with me. But if anyone can tell me why i am swimming upstream? i am listening
xxoo
adicat
mood: desolate music: moby ~ All i Need is Too be Loved tags: boyscout, depression, fandom, friends, ghostleegirl, giant squid, graphicfire, hope, loneliness, love, monsters, music, peter watts |
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